В процентном соотношении...

Мягкий знак глухо бастует

Меня всегда мучала проблема идиотов. По моим прикидкам идиотов(дураков, просто глупачей) вокруг всегда было гораздо болше чем умных. 

Ну может так один умный на 8 дураков. Это не страшно, жит можно. Страшно становится когда понимаеш что те-же пропорции среди людей,

от которых вполне может зависит твоя жизн: доктора, адвокаты.

Так вот, выдержки из реалных стенографий реалных процессов в Американском суде:

Адвокат: Что сказал ваш муж как толко проснулся?

Свидетел: доброе утро, Кэти!

А: Почему это вас расстроило?

С: меня завут Сюзан!!

А: Эта myasthenia gravi, влияет ли она на вашу памят?

С: Да

А: И как конкретно?

С: Я забываю

А: Вы забываете? Можете привести пример?

А: Доктор, не правда ли, что если человек умирает во сне, он не узнает об этом до следуующего утра?

С: Вы на самом деле сдали экзамен на адвоката?

А: Младший сын, двадцатилетний, какого он возраста?

C: Ему 20, примерно как вашему IQ.

А: присутствовали ли Вы, когда была сделана Ваша фотография?

С: ты что, издеваешся?

А: Значит дата зачатия ребенка была 8го августа?

С: Да

А: А что Вы делали в это время?

С: лежала (не знаю как лучше перевести "getting laid")

А: У нее три сына?

С: да

А: сколко малчиков?

Ц: ни одного

А: А девочек?

С: (к суде) Ваша светлост, мне нужен другой адвокат!

А: Как было прекращено ваше замужество

С: В виду смерти

А: Чей смерти?

С: догадайся!

А:Можете ли вы описат человека?

Ц: Среднего роста, борода

А: Мужчина или женщина?

Ц: Если в городе не было Цирка, то я бы сказал что мужчина.

А: Вы оделис так потому что я послал вашему адвокату писмо?

Ц: нет, просто я так оделся перед работой

А: Доктор, сколко вскрытий вы сделали на мертвецах?

Ц: Все. Живые слишком сопротивлялис.

А: Все ваши ответы должны быт устные (oral) В какую школу вы ходили?

С: Oral 

А: Вы помните когда вы осматривали тело?

С: я начал в 8:30

А: И Мистер Дентон был мертв в это время?

Ц: если нет, то уж точно когда я кончил

А: Доктор, до вскрытия вы проверили пулс?

С: да

А: давление?

С: да

А: дыхание?

С: нет

А: То ест это возможно что пациент был еще жив?

С: нет

А: почему вы так уверены?

С: его мозг находился в это время в банке

А: Хорошо, но пациент мог все таки быт жив?

С: Вы правы, он еще мог заниматся адвокатской практикой

тут оригинал:

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER 
  
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. 
  
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' 
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 
WITNESS: My name is Susan! 
____________________________________________ 
  
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
WITNESS: I forget.. 
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? 
___________________________________________ 
  
ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
____________________________________ 
  
ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he? 
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ. 
___________________________________________ 
  
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
WITNESS: Are you shitting me? 
_________________________________________ 
(My Favorite) 
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
WITNESS: Getting laid 
____________________________________________ 
 (Another favorite) 
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
WITNESS: None. 
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 
____________________________________________ 
  
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
WITNESS: By death.. 
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
WITNESS: Take a guess. 
____________________________________________ 
  

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard 
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. 
_____________________________________ 
  
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
______________________________________ 
  
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. 
_________________________________________ 
  
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? 
WITNESS: Oral.. 
_________________________________________ 
  
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM 
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished. 
____________________________________________ 

And last: 
  
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
WITNESS: No.. 
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law. 
_________________