Русские в Америке

GROWING UP “RUSSIAN” in AMERICA

Having so much food on the table at every single party your parents
Host that can last for weeks when the party ends.

Your mom tells you to eat something she just made and you say "mama,
I'm not hungry," and she replies "a shto?! Nada bit golodnim shtob ETA
Pokushat?!"

Running out of semechki is a crisis.

You are upstairs. Papa calls from downstairs. Why? Two possible
Reasons: 1 He wants you to bring him his tapochki (which lie about 10
Feet away, by the TV), or 2 It's just a proverka sluha (checking your
Hearing).

You say "Blin!" instead of "Shit!"

The main sport every Russian kid has had to play once in their life:
Tennis, soccer, and durаk. If u dont know how to play durak, u should
Be disinherited.

When you get sunburned your grandparents tell you to put smetana on it

At one point in your life, you had a carpet hanging on your wall.

You can't go to a friend's house" s “pustymi rukami" - you should bring
A torktik.

Your mom will tell you to lose weight, and 5 minutes later ask you
Why you are not eating her piroshki.

You try to get your mother's attention several times by repeatedly
Saying 'mama..' and she replies "NE MAMKAY MNE!"

When you tell your mother about something you read or did on the
Internet, and she responds with, "OH ti duraka valayish instead of
Looking for colleges?!"

There is no right time to eat anything cold. You either are sick,
Were just sick, or will get sick.

There are only 3 types of anti-septic your parents trust and use:
Zelyonka, iod and marganzovka. So you have variety of choices to be
Green, orange or purple.

"Holodets" is also known as "Jellied minced meat cooked with eggs and
Pig feet." Try getting any of your American friends to try that one.

Trying to explain to your American friends what "iolki palki",
"obaldet" means

Every guy you date/dated your father calls "chistiy dibil"

Your mom insists that you clean your room before the cleaning lady
Comes "shtobi nye bilo stidno"

Your relatives and family friends tell you: "you know, when your mother was

Your age she already had a husband and a kid to take care off..."

When you come home from school or work you must change into your
"domashniya" clothes.

When your grandma doesnt let you outside untill you finish your
Food, even though you’re dying inside.

You spent elementary and middle school wanting PB&J and Fruit Rollups
For lunch instead of your meatball wrapped in rye. Now you sit in your
College dorm pining for kotleti.

Papa's favorite line: "NITCHEVO SEBYE!" and “IDIOTY”

Every single event in your life is somehow indicative of whether or
Not you will get married

"A chto k chau?"

When you invite a friend to your house, and your mother begins
Feeding him/her, you know she approves. Likewise, if no food is
Offered, you know not to bring them back

When you don't need a fake because your parents buy you
Alcohol, no questions asked. This makes your friends insanely jealous.

Mama always texts you the weirdest things and NE dai bog shto ti shto
To NE to napisala, she will call you to find out what it meant

Phone call from grandma: "Ya Po televizoru videla chto Po internetu
Peredaut virusy, NE vkoem sluchae NE pol'zuysya internetom"

You make some tea before going to sleep and mama or papa always say
To you, "A patom nochu NE spish”

When you complain to your parents about a bee sting or a mosquito
Bite and they respond with "potomu chto ti sladkaya"

When your parents force feed your American friends even though they
Said they're full...

If you have a Russian or Russian Jewish friend your parents
Automatically question why you aren't married to that person yet.

Vse harosho?? Slavu bogu. Tsfu tsfu tsfu cheres levoya plecho!!

Everyone has to sitdown before leaving for a trip.

When your father's broken English, asks for the "Hostage" instead of
The "Hostess" at the restaurant.

When a black cat crosses the road and your mom immediately stops the car
And refuses to go until somebody else passes her.

Your mom will never throw away old garments because they make good "tryapki"

"Ne svisti doma, deneg ne budit!" If you could only explain to your
american friends the connection between whistling and wealth.

Your mother's road rage includes calling other drivers "kazyol"

The only "tupperware" in your house is old smetana containers.

When your American boyfriend visits, your papa immediately takes off
his tapochki and gives them to him. Your mama is hustling to find more
tapochki around the house so everyone's feet are covered

When you eat too many sweets, mom goes : A popa ne slipnitsa?

Your American friends don't understand "s lohkim parom"

Everytime you compliment someone or say something positive, you might
jinx them, so you always have to spit three times "ptu ptu ptu SHTOB
NE ZGLAZAT!"

Your parents always make you wear "tapachkee" inside the house. And
all of your friends.

When you don't finish your babushka's seven course meal including
salads, potatoes, fish, meat, soup, more meat, and finally desert, it
means you don't love her.

You don't understand why everyone doesn't sleep with a puhovoye
odeyala, even in the summer.


Explaining to your American friends that your family is neither
yelling or fighting just talking to each other

At the end of the day you have to tell your mother every detail of what
you did, including how many times you went to the bathroom

When you see a middle-aged aunt or female relative, after not having
seen them for a long period of time, and the first thing out of her
mouth is "oh ti tak popravilas!" or "oh ti tak pohudela!"

Your mom does laps around the house on the phone repeating the phrase
line "nu shto tebye skazat.."

You are cry-laughing reading all these problems because they are SOO TRUE….!